My parents got divorced when I was three years old. My mother, brothers, and I moved cross country to California from Baltimore, Maryland. My earliest memory is of me in the backseat, looking out of the back window watching my family disappear in the distance as my mom drove off. I'm not entirely sure whether or not that memory is completely true. I've had reoccurring dreams about that moment, so I'm sure some moments of that memory are figments of my imagination. Cut to maybe 7 or 8 years later. Settled-in in California, nice apartment, not the best neighborhood, but good people around me. I call my father regularly, but all my mother can do is complain about him. No, it wasn't always like that. She would hide her disdain for him when I was a young, impressionable child. But now, she does not hold back: he doesn't pay child support, he's too lazy to fly out here to see you; he was never supportive, always at a bar when you were a baby. First of all, my father got injured and has been on disability for a while now. To make money he fixes up people's houses or plumbing issues with his brothers. He has a fear of flying and does not fly anywhere, he drives. If he's at the airport to pick me up on time when I come visit him then I don't care how he gets around as long as I see him. According to my mother, when we still lived with my father in Baltimore he was always at the bar playing pool and drinking beer. But the way she tells it, he seems like a raging alcoholic that cares jack squat about his family. Not true. Yes, he did frequent the bar, and he still does today, but he is a safe person. He doesn't have alcohol at the house and he mainly just plays pool with his buddies and a few drinks at the bar. He is a hard-working guy and he will be there if you need him. I know that I can depend on my father anytime, anywhere for whatever reason. Sometimes I feel like he's more dependable than my mother. Don't get me wrong, my mother is not a horrible, wicked woman as I may have portrayed her. Quite the opposite actually. I would consider her one of my best friends in a way. We're always shopping or at the movies together. Maybe that's why we have our little fights; we're always together. I think that's why I've begun to pull away from her. Based on the way I'm beginning to behave, I fear that I have a fear of commitment. I've never been good at making hard choices. A therapist would tell me it's because of the traumatic divorce between my parents. Ha! Maybe I just don't want someone to get that close to me. I find that weird because I love to feel loved and I love that feeling when someone understands me. I doubt that's my problem. Or maybe I'm the typical daddy's girl; searching for my daddy in every guy that I'll meet. I sure hope that doesn't happen. Maybe because I've realized it now, I can change my path.
Is it just me, or am I that random. You wanted to know what goes on in my head, and now you do. I don't apologize for it.
