Adam Lambert "For Your Entertainment"

Love In A Nutshell

I could only dream for a love like this...

“It is…. a great consolation in this life to have someone to whom you can be united in the intimate embrace of the most sacred love; in whom your spirit can rest; to whom you can pour out your soul; in whose delightful company, as in a sweet consoling song, you can take comfort in the midst of sadness; in whose most welcome friendly bosom you can find peace in so many worldly setbacks; to whose loving heart you can open as freely as you would to yourself your innermost thoughts; through whose spiritual kisses—as by some medicine—you are cured of the sickness of care and worry; who weeps with you in sorrow, rejoices with you in joy, and wonders with you in doubt; whom you draw by the fetters of love into that inner room of your soul, so that though the body is absent, the spirit is there, and you can confer all alone, the more secretly, the more delightfully; with whom you can rest, just the two of you, in the sleep of peace away from the noise of the world, in the embrace of love, in the kiss of unity, with the sweetness of the Holy Spirit flowing over you; to whom you so join and unite yourself that you mix soul with soul, and the two become one.”    

Saint Aelred of Rievaulx

Rose-Colored Glasses

Today was arguably one of the best and most freeing days of my life. I've been feeling rather tuckered out lately and I wanted to just give up. This day, not even the day, an hour of the day, made me feel better than I have felt in months. It's incredibly difficult for me not to feel good or excited for a new day, so I don't always feel the "normal" amount of sadness most people feel; I get depressed. I shut down and become quiet and simple. Expressing my feelings is sort of an unknown art form that I fail to grasp. Whenever someone wants to know what is wrong, I will lie to them if it's something serious. I rarely let anyone know how I'm feeling though I've begun to speak more freely with two people. They save me and they don't even know it. They rescue me from the cage of my mind. They help me set loose my thoughts and emotions and I can't thank them enough for that. I love them. One of these people made this day the best day of my life.

That one person can never cease to make me smile. No matter the state of mind that I am in, he can make me smile effortlessly. I have no clue as to why this is. My theory is that there is a light in him that shines excessively bright that it is impossible to ignore. I suppose I contain a harmonizing light and when two shining souls meet, it's like heaven. Nothing can break our bond. He is my best friend and even though we have only known each other for a year, I feel like he has been a part of my life since the day I came in to this world. He completes me; he is the answer to my soul.

The best part is that he brings me out of me. He evokes my true spirit instead of the people-pleasing, overachieving, introverted, know-it-all who didn't know how to have fun and just live! No, that doesn't mean that we're running around town drinking and neglecting our studies, it just means that I am now the true me. I live my life for me, and I have a clearer view on … everything? Well, maybe not because I cannot think of a word for that sentence, so I obviously do not have a clearer view on vocabulary. Maybe it was ennui, but I felt restless before I met him and I just couldn't deal with the way I was living my life. I was determined to make some changes because I was exhausted of having my life planned out for me.

So today, spontaneously and only for about an hour, we acted like our innocent, pre-corrupted selves. Before all the hate and ugliness of the infected world around us seeped into our brains. We played hangman, and chased each other around with markers, and then, even more random, we played hockey with two markers as sticks and the top off of a water bottle as the puck. I'm smiling right now from the memory. I still feel the pure joy of just letting loose and not caring what was going on outside of that classroom; the calm from slight ignorance. After that excitement, we made paper airplanes and threw them at our friends, hiding behind chairs so they didn't know it was us. Yes, we acted like three-year-olds, but I would greatly prefer the joy from acting my shoe size once in a while instead of my corrupted, blind age.

And I say blind because everything is interpreted differently as experienced adults, than naïve children. Whether it be stopping to jump in a puddle or roll through the leaves, it is obvious that children view the world as a place to explore and live a life of pleasure. Kids, in my opinion, are not naïve. I believe that they have the world figured out and as we teach them everything that is wrong with the world we blind them; we destroy their refreshing outlook. The definition of naïve is "not shrewd or sophisticated, showing a lack of sophistication and subtlety or of critical judgment and analysis." Basically, they see something for what it is whereas many people interpret the world with a biased and negative view. Few people are lucky enough to see our Earth through rose-colored glasses where the natural colors that follow us pop and glisten. Especially in autumn. Although, some of the blind attempt to look through these rosy glasses, yet they all fail to see the beauty on the other side.

I used to be one of the blind before I met these two people. Today was the climax of my release from my prison. Whenever we take a step back from our so-called hectic lives and embrace the naivety we once lost, our eyes open, we're no longer blind, and those rose-colored glasses transform our souls and take us back to the vibrant days ruled by our imagination.

Rant #1

Seeing as how I have not uploaded a post in over a month, I am going to apologize to myself for that right now. Self, I am sorry that I am lame and lazy and too much of a little shit to write something that would help me understand myself later on in life. That is what this blog is whether it seems like it or not. I write these posts so that I can come back and re-experience my life in order to better comprehend my feelings at that moment; so that I can come back and reflect on all the things that interested me and troubled me or just the random crap flowing around my brain.
I have wanted to upload a post about twenty times but I did not obviously. I quashed my own spirits. Whenever there was something that I wanted to rant about or comment about I chose not to. I held myself back. I could give a reason why I did this but I'm trying to overcome the negative parts in my life. Lately, I have not been myself and I do not like being what I'm not. My life is unraveling while things are flying at me at the speed of light. I am overcome and I cannot handle it. It hurts to be this confused.

But, that brings me back to the reason for which I write this blog. Times like this when I am hurting and confused and doubting my future. I can not elaborate on my thoughts because I have no words for them. This whole post is just me rambling and spewing out my feelings. There is no order because I am writing it as it comes out. It is release! Exhale. My fingers hurt as I type this because I think it is the fastest that I have typed in my life. I cannot stop until everything is out so I'm sure this will be rather long.

Now to begin one of my rants: I am pissed (not drunk, angry) because of the politics and the people in our so-called free country. Now, I am not gay so I cannot speak for gays and lesbians, but if I were a lesbian, I would be thoroughly pissed (angry) about the 31 states banning gay marriage. That's just frickin' crap. I would say that about 60% of my friends are gay and lesbian and it brings me to tears to know that they cannot get married in their own country. In their free country that supposedly everyone wants to move to because they would have a better chance at life. That's bull! Some people are able to get over it and accept it, but I can't. I cannot just sit aside and watch the people that I love be told that just because they "choose" to be with someone of the same gender that they do not have the right to confirm that relationship and be together officially or under god (depending on what you believe). For one, it is not a choice to be gay you egotistical, act-like-you-know-it-all bastards. To me, it seems like they are making gay and lesbian relationships seem like some high school fling that doesn't deserve the right to make official that relationship. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I cannot have all of this stuff just tumbling around in my mind all day, every day, haunting me.

Maybe that is why I am having word vomit. I have too many thoughts and annoyances in my mind that, because I have held them back, they have decided to escape and wreak havoc on my blog.

P.S. I am thinking of uploading videos on YouTube to accompany my blog. It's just an idea. It will not be as bad as this post is, I promise. J

Take a Second Look.

Today, like every day for the past 8 weeks, I went to my first class and waited outside for my teacher to arrive. Next door to my classroom is a Spanish class whose teacher I have always found to be rather odd. Every morning, like clockwork, she stands outside her classroom with an amiable smile on her face awaiting the arrival of her students. As they begin to show up, the teacher greets every student with a friendly "İHola! Buenos días" and shaking their hands as they enter the room. Of course the students just brush her off, shaking her hand as limply as possible and not even looking her in the eyes. Every morning this happens. Every morning the teacher waits outside and greets each student with a smile and a handshake and, in return, all she receives is a grumbled "hola." They all think what I used to think about that wacky teacher: Is this woman for real?
At first, I thought that having a teacher stand outside the classroom every morning greeting me in a foreign language and shaking my hand like a business associate would annoy me immensely. Although as I took another look at the situation, I began to realize that the teacher was not trying to embarrass them, but rather she was trying to show her students that she respects them as people and that she truly is excited to see them each morning. I would be grateful to have someone express their respect for me when no other teacher has.
As teenagers, many of us have those common, arrogant attitudes that we use to put a wall between our outside appearance and our true emotions. I speak for myself when I say that the person I project on the outside is not always in sync with the "me" on the inside. Sometimes when someone, say a zany teacher, graciously attempts to treat one as a mature young adult whom she respects, the natural instinct of many immature teens is to portray themselves as "too good" for her opinion. Believe it or not, I used to be like some of those superior (or so they thought) teens, constantly assuming I knew anything and everything and that I didn't need a teacher to respect me. Thankfully, I have changed for the better. I've always been a nice person, but the inner "me" would always scream in her little voice, "You know more than these idiots. Ignore them!" I absolutely hated that part of me a few years back. But now, I'm glad that I have changed and that I can see the benefit of having a wacky teacher like the one next door to my classroom that will always respect me.

Never Have I Ever...

Never have I ever...

1. eaten sushi
2. sneezed because I looked directly at the sun
3. been drunk/high
4. traveled to Ireland, Australia, or Spain
5. failed a class
6. felt hungry enough to eat a horse
7. hurt someone's feelings on purpose
8. been against gay rights
9. deserted my friends when they needed me
10. gone an entire day without smiling at someone :)

Leave your "Never Have I Ever" list in the comments! :-p

What Happens?

Random Questions:

What happens when you fear something that you cannot stop?

What happens when you are excited for this unstoppable moment?

Please answer - because I do not know.

Old Soul

Weird Thought for Today:

For some (weird) reason, I feel like I should be older than my mind tells me that I am. In my heart, nay, my soul – I feel differently than I do on the outside. Sometimes my subconscious mind informs me that I'm an 80-year-old woman in the body of a sixteen year old girl.

…

…

OK, so maybe not 80 (I don't want to wish my life away)

but just older than a teenager. Deep down in the artistic, free-flowing vicinity that is my soul I know that age is but a number to calculate the thing-we-call-time that I have spent on this earth. But some part of me believes (and I know this sounds crazy, but I did warn you in the description of this blog to be prepared) that my soul has been alive separate from this body for a period of time much longer than sixteen years. Whether it (or I if you will) was floating around in heaven or buzzing around the galaxy for millions of years until God decided to put it in the body of a newborn baby girl, I believe that my true age is infinite. You're floating around in heaven, you're placed into the womb of an angel on earth, and after living a lifetime however long or short, you pass away. But, I believe that after your human life span is up, you do not die. My reasoning is this:

Nothing real ever dies.

Now, believe me, I know what it's like to lose a family member and think that they're gone forever and that that hurt in your heart will never go away, but really that's not true. You still have the memory of their smile, the sound of their laughter, and the joy from your time spent together. That is what's real – that can never die.

The reason I say that I must be older than sixteen is, since no one ever dies, we all (our souls) must be somewhere – maybe heaven. And, after some time, we may be placed into another body. Then, the continuous cycle of life begins again. Now, keep in mind, I'm not saying that everyone should believe this and this is the only truth behind the meaning of life, I, myself, find it hard to believe; maybe even impossible. But there are those moments in my life, those unfathomably beautiful days where I think, "This moment will never leave me. It's real. Nothing real ever dies."

9/11

So.

 It's been 8 years since that horrible day. Whenever I think about the terrors that occured there, I can only imagine how the people who lost family members must feel. And then I start to consider what it would have felt like to have been in the towers that morning. The calm, quiet peace before the first plane hit. In my mind, I place myself in the position of someone in the towers to attempt to understand the split-second shock of seeing the nose of the plane staring you in the eyes. I can feel the curly hairs on my neck stand up and the goosebumps rise on my arms; that rapid intake of air just before a scream lets out. It disturbs me immensely - contemplating the idea that gets into someone's mind that tells them to hijack a plane and crash it killing thousands of people. I wish and beg and hope and pray for there never to be a day like 9/11 again.

Blast From The Past...

Today was not a bad day; today was not a good day. Although, I began to feel a lot better as I stumbled upon this Blast From The Past...

Three, Four, Five, Six...

By: Adrien S.

I had no choice

To live with

My dad they sent

Me to my new

Home California

Isn't that bad but

I was only

Three

Three, four I

Don't remember how

Old I was we

Took a trailer and

Old Cadillac drove

Into a graveyard

But he was there he

Was with her but

How should I know I was

Sleep but of course I

Was only three... Scruffy Face

Locks of short hair

Shaved beard he was

There I wasn't.

Cigarette breath tall

Black man saved us from ghosts

Five

We live with brother

Not mine or hers, trapped in

Darkness

Left alone with Junk, not alone

But feeling Alone

He wasn't mean

He wasn't a clown

I never knew who he was with

Us born into us took

Us in one room, one

Day maybe more, one feeling how

Should I know I was only

Five, five, beer, trash, garbage... it's

All garbage... Do we need it all?

What's it all for?

I cry, I die, Do feel it?

But then it comes.

It's over, he's back.

He's not there, no

It's us, we

Aren't there,

There we are in Garbageland.

We are stuck

In the Projects! Beggars,

Killers, attackers,

It's over!

Six

Six, running, I don't want them.

B-day, Yeah, I guess I want it over.

Bro's back, he's really back, but

What do I know? He's not paying...

X-Box, bakery.

He works in the bakery; X-Box he plays,

But he's my bro. He's

Related to me. I

Love him. He makes

Me happy. My bro,

Jason George, he's here, but guess what

I'm 12! I love him

So much... He's here and

Happy. 3...2...1. Yeah, darkness

Away, garbage, away, Westwood Village here.

Car, school, I'm no longer 3, 4, 5, 6,

But 12!

Is it wrong to stand up for what you believe in?

SO... first post. I had this whole idea for my first entry; I would tell you everything that went on in my life today and not skip even one little detail but that would've bored me to tears. So, for now, I'll start out with my first random question (or rather, questions):

Is it wrong to stand up for what you believe in?

What if your beliefs differ from those around you and your decisions hurt them?

Is it your fault or do they just have to live with it?

Personally, I say "to each his/her own." Your beliefs are just that- Yours! And anyone who begs to differ needs to discover the word compromise! Whether its gay rights, religious beliefs, or a debate between who's hotter- Zac Efron or Robert Pattinson (hmm... hard choice) it's all up to you! No, I'm not saying you should completely ignore everyone's thoughts. I'm saying that their beliefs are as important as your own and you should respect them. So, even if you're talking to someone you are completely incompatible with and you find that you disagree with them 100% - that's okay. That's just human nature. We're not supposed to agree with each other each and every day. That's why we have debates. I see little 6-year-olds arguing over which Hannah Montana song is better. But you know what else I notice? Those six-year-olds who probably can't even spell the word compromise will still be friends at the end of the day even though they disagree with each other.

Why can't we all be like that?